I have a crush on a married man, what should I do? You know this crush is wrong or you wouldn’t be asking this question.
Crushing on someone is absolutely normal. After all, getting attracted to others is an important part of starting a family. However, it gets a bit complicated when you end up crushing on a married man.
You’re probably thinking being friendly with a married man and knowing your boundaries is harmless. However, what happens when you can’t control your feelings? What if a simple crush suddenly turn into something more; something that might end up ruining a marriage?
WHAT IS A CRUSH?
A crush is an uncontrollable desire to be with someone you find either physically or emotionally attractive. It would be a sad life indeed if you never encountered someone you consider to be very attractive and extremely special – almost everyone has had a crush!
While it is a common first stage for a romantic relationship, crushes don’t often lead to one. Crushes are especially known for being short-lived, and they are often pointed towards people who are unattainable, such as celebrities. This is especially common amongst young people who are just learning about romantic relationships. Though those feelings are very real and very strong, their crush will eventually fade and come to pass when those feelings are not reciprocated.
CRUSHES ARE NORMAL
Having a crush on someone, whether they’re available or not, is absolutely normal. Playful flirting and games are part of basic human interaction, and feeling that you are attractive, interesting, and able to love is wonderful. It causes a physical and chemical reaction in our brains that makes us happy.
Sometimes, when you go looking for advice on a topic like this, you will be judged badly. You will be perceived as a threat to anyone who is in or who has had a relationship. Almost everyone will take the high moral ground, without considering any individual circumstances. However, despite what you might be told by others, you are not a bad person.
It’s not possible to honestly deny a crush – when it happens, you just need to wait it out. You can’t help who you like. However, you can help how you act upon your feelings, and that’s what will determine if you are a good person or not.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT YOUR CRUSH ON A MARRIED MAN?
Almost every cheater will claim the affair “just happened” but the vast majority of people are aware that they are on a slippery slope. Some of them simply decide to grab a sled. Others, however, realize that the friendship they formed with a married person may not be quite so innocent and want to take a step back.
Once a crush is formed, however, it gets easier to lose control. As hard as you try not to, sometimes you still develop a crush on someone you shouldn’t. Here’s what to do when that happens.
1. Think first
This is a married man. Ask yourself, how would you feel if you were married and someone had a crush on your husband?
Don’t be that girl that has no respect for herself or other people’s relationships. You will not only be hurting yourself. There are a zillion single man out there and be sure, if he started taking an interest in you and cheated on his wife, what kind of catch is a man who is willing to lie and betray his wife? And what kind of person does it make you getting caught up in lies and deceit?
2. Kill any hope
Dreams of your crush leaving their spouse and prancing off into the sunset with you are like cockroaches. They are very, very hard to get rid of once they are in your head, and one small daydream rapidly spirals out of control into an endless series of increasingly improbable what-ifs.
Those dreams are also about as good for your mental health as a cockroach infestation is for your physical health. You need to accept that your crush is taken.
He cannot date you, and if he has even the slightest sliver of integrity, he will not date you. Even if he has talked about leaving his spouse, whether for you specifically or simply in general, you are not going to get your happily ever after while he is still wearing another person’s ring.
If you two are, somehow, meant to be together, you will find each other after he has completed his divorce and gotten over his spouse. Do not, however, wait around hoping that will occur. Kill any hope you have of a relationship with this person and move on to someone who can actually show you love.
3. Beware of your fantasies
Fantasies may seem harmless, but they can prove powerful and intoxicating if you return to them over and over again.
Fantasies aren’t reality. If you fantasize about your crush whisking you off your feet and onto a bed of roses, this fantasy is a break from reality. Your wildest dreams about what you and your crush could experience together will never match up with the real world.
If you ask most women about whether or not they’d sleep with a married man, they’d likely say, “Never!” And yet, affairs happen all the time. How do women end up falling into bed with a married man, when they likely thought they would never do so? Fantasies are powerful and they can help people begin to justify their actions.
Try to control your fantasy life and make a personal rule that you will not fantasize about your married crush. This alone will help you control your attraction and reduce the likelihood that you’ll act on your feelings.
4. Try to switch to something/someone else
You’re spending a lot of time and energy thinking about someone who you can’t be with, so why don’t you try using that energy on another passion? This could mean delving into a new hobby, starting a new exercise routine, making new friends, or even going out with the intention of meeting someone else.
The euphoria you get from having a crush probably has you looking at your most attractive – the people around you will notice you glowing from within. Take a look around: Who else is around who is available?
If you are already in a relationship yourself, can you spice things up with who you have? Crushes are all about thinking of an ideal world – you need to bring yourself back to reality and start thinking about how you can make your existing world more ideal.
5. Avoid alone time
It’s never just one drink at happy hour and never just a quick errand to drop off something at his house.
Regardless of whether or not you fell into a relationship with him before you knew he was married, you need to avoid being alone with a married person when you are crushing on him.
It is far too easy to become bold, overly familiar or to make a decision you will regret later when you feel like you are having a secret rendezvous with your crush.
Sneaking around can seem romantic, but it is really just proof that you are both doing something shameful. Avoid temptation while you are getting over your crush, and make sure you always have at least one other person in the room with you when you are dealing with your crush.
6. Turn to a friend you trust
Sometimes you have to bring out the big guns. In that case, talk to a friend about what is going on and have them help you to stay on the straight and narrow.
When you start devolving into daydreams about the fairy tale when you and your crush skip off to some happily ever after, your friend can give you a sharp return to reality. If you start bemoaning how your crush is perfect, your friend can remind you of all the character flaws that are guaranteed to be in any cheater. They can also back you up and make sure you are never alone with your crush.
7. Look for his flaws
When you have a crush on a married person, you cannot always wait for the crush to fade like you would if you were crushing on someone single. You might have to kill those feelings forcibly.
Recite his character flaws to yourself. Also make a list of what you do and don’t want in a boyfriend. Obviously qualities such as married or already taken, cheater, disloyal, liar, deceitful, no respect for women, emotionally unavailable, should go on your “what I don’t want” list.
For example, if you love cats and he says cruel things about cats, focus on that! If he has ugly hands, remind yourself that you don’t find them attractive! And, perhaps most importantly, if he does or says something ignorant, sexist, or otherwise prejudiced, keep it in the back of your mind. You wouldn’t want to be with someone who is not respectful, thoughtful, or tolerant.
Do not pretend that he is perfect either. Focus on every last one of his flaws. He’s not perfect, and recognizing his imperfections may help you see him as a flawed person rather than a wonderful crush.
8. Work on your self-esteem
Crushing on a married person is awful. Having inadvertently developed a crush, however, does not mean that you are a terrible person. It is going to make things awkward for you for a while, but it is not a reflection of your character. As long as you avoid acting on those thoughts and work to eliminate them, you will be fine. You have not crossed the line.
Read some books on healthy relationships, self-esteem and self-love. Sometimes we look to men to validate us because we don’t have enough self-confidence. However, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Remind yourself that you’re worthy of love from someone who is able to devote themselves to you. Do something wonderful for yourself – take a holiday, give yourself a makeover, learn something new, try a new experience. You are a fabulous woman. Go out and live your best life!
9. Think of others involved
Can you live with yourself knowing that you are the cause of infidelity? Can you imagine what it might be like for children to grow up without a father because their dad started a friendly relationship with a woman who had a “simple” crush on him?
Even if you see it as just a simple, harmless affair, some women end up wanting a proper relationship in the long run. However, it’s not actually harmless – somewhere along the way, someone is going to get hurt.
Think of his wife. She’s a real person with hopes, fears, dreams, and feelings. If you’ve never met her, it makes it very hard to believe that she actually exists, even though you know she does. It might seem less painful if you are able to forget that he goes home to her, but it will actually help you get over your crush if you think about her and how your actions might affect her.
Remember that he has a wife and children, and that acting on your fantasies would deeply harm many people, including yourself (and him too).
TIPS TO MANAGE YOUR FLIRTING
Likewise, “harmless” flirting can quickly escalate into emotional intimacy if it goes unchecked. Emotional intimacy, in turn, can become a starting point for a physical affair. Even if you enjoy a little bit of banter with your married crush, here are some ground rules so you can manage your flirting:
Keep your distance.
Though it can be difficult, make sure you keep your distance from him when in his presence – both physically and emotionally.
Try to stand a comfortable distance away from him while still being respectful.
Keep your conversations short and courteous, and try not to reveal too much of your personal life to him.
Avoid texting and calling.
Avoid the temptation to answer personal emails, texts, and phone calls from him.
If you must answer for work or an otherwise important matter, keep your response brief and impersonal. It may be difficult, but it’s important that you discourage any sort of intimate or private behavior.
When he texts or calls, try not to respond right away.
Mention his wife as you talk with one another.
Don’t just pretend that she doesn’t exist. Bringing her up in conversation will help remind him, too, that he has a commitment.
Don’t touch as you speak.
Flirting becomes more powerful when you lightly touch his arm or grace his foot with yours. Just don’t do it.
Don’t suddenly avoid.
Cutting the friendship off abruptly is more likely to lead to obsession with him. Don’t cut things off entirely, especially if you see him on a daily basis at work. Just work hard to manage your fantasies and flirting in order to remove the warmth of the relationship.
THE BOTTOM LINE
If there is a ring on his finger, he’s off the market. Your brain knows this, but your heart sometimes struggles to give up on what it wants. Some women might be able to resist the temptation, while others find it more difficult to avoid the married man; sad but true.
Think long and hard before you do anything about your feelings. It’s your decision whether or not you can maintain a platonic relationship with a married man.
Remember, it’s not just your life at stake here. You can do potentially huge damage if you decide to pursue a man who has already shared wedding vows with another woman. You’ll be better off finding someone who doesn’t carry extra baggage.
The best thing you can do, however, is to force yourself to move on. There is someone out there who is right for you, and no matter how much you may think that married person is the one, the ring on his finger is a neon sign from God saying you are wrong. Listen to that warning and walk away. You will be much happier in the long run.