CANCER
You’re interested in knowing what’s happening in everyone’s life across the cosmos. However, you frequently are unaware of what is happening in your own life. Hopefully, your buddies will let you know.
Cancerians only dress when they must, and their sense of style is best characterized as “erratic.” You are more likely than any other sign in the zodiac to iron your clothing by sleeping with them wedged between the mattress and box spring (with the exception of Pisces, who does not iron). A single pair of underpants can be worn for over a month.
You may spend months indoors since your home is like your own personal Biodome. You require little social connection, despite your drive to save everyone. Frequently, SWAT forces arrive under the impression that there is a hostage scenario. A Cancer is like a walking Ladies’ Home Journal, always ready with shortcake recipes and advice on how to approach your adolescent.
They were all born with an outstanding knack for cross-stitching, whether they knew it or not. They would breastfeed the entire planet if they could, so much for buying the world a Coke. This quality does not depend on gender. Because you need to take a fifteen minute break after each breath, you will never be a successful athlete. Since you want to manage your career from the comfort of your own bed, Aries, you don’t mind. Your consistent consumption of Ho-Hos and beer helps you keep your dubious health. Additionally, you consume a lot of Pepto-Bismol to confuse your many ulcers.
People frequently step on you. Actually, constantly, not infrequently. You’re probably right if you think someone is taking advantage of you. The most amusing aspect of this is that you enjoy it. You try to act like a doormat. For the purpose of describing philosophic ideas, Cancerians create their own terminology. That George W. Bush is a Cancer is therefore not surprising.
The impact of Cancerians on their friends is negligible, despite the fact that they frequently arrive with homemade soup to ease any little or huge catastrophe. However, they control people because they are always aware of what others are thinking. They are never invited to gatherings because of this. Claiming to be “tactful,” cancerians. Actually, the term for this is “shiftless.” It is customary for Cancerians to drive their inebriated, drooling buddies home. Typically, these companions are Pisceans.
LEO
You’ll use every strategy at your disposal to attract attention. It’s not impossible for someone to commit suicide. You frequently kiss mirrors. Both Barney the Dinosaur and Genghis Khan are Leos. Though less so now that Lucy was a Leo, people still adore her.
Leos will break up conversations to chat, and if someone tries to leave before the Leo is completed speaking, the Leo will physically block the person’s path. On their birthdays, Leos all desire parades. Leos never get married because nobody is suitable for them. If they do get married, they imprison their husbands beneath the sink in the bathroom.
They always need physical contact but are unable to obtain it since people perceive them as annoying punks. This explains why Leos make up a large portion of those detained for necrophilia. A Leo conveys philosophical ideas by using himself as an example of the Overman.
Even though they are not gay, some Leos choose to pose as such because they believe it adds to their shock factor. Actually, it only implies that neither sexe will be interested in hooking up with them. In reality, the Leo views anything else than a romantic evening alone as a step down.
Leos yell at doors to open them. When they enter a room, they anticipate their Clappers to cheer. It’s thought that lions and leos look similar. This indicates that they are boisterous, have sticky noses and cleft upper lips, and s**t under trees as they go. They watch “Entertainment Tonight” while munching on monkeys.
The humility terrifies Leos. Because of this, Buddha was an Aries, Jesus was a Capricorn, and so on. However, the title of “radical cult leader” is not impossible. Leos enjoy picking battles with Aries. Whether or not they are in front of other people, they will still trample and bloody each other. In fact, Leos typically favor it.
These altercations frequently occur at Taco Bell, sporting events, bars, and other public places. Ingenious Capricorns will sell tickets, so be that way. Leo will take care of hanging the posters in advance, so don’t worry about that. Rock star posters are commonly hung on the walls of Aquarians. On their walls, Scorpios display posters of well-known catastrophes. On their walls, Capricorns display posters of famous mathematicians. Unicorn posters are hung on the walls of Pisceans. Leos have self-portrait posters on their walls.
VIRGO
You make life miserable. You control your breathing and organize your closet by color. No Virgo has ever belched in recorded history. Virgos use a toothbrush twice a day to thoroughly clean every inch of anything they own. Your spot is on the floor, cleaning it with a magnifying lens while looking for microorganisms.
Have you been diagnosed with OCD? a lovely synonym for the term “Virgo.” Virgos explain philosophical ideas using detailed charts and hints. You engage in several drive-by shootings. When questioned by the police, you respond that “the bastard had a filthy automobile” was the reason. Because they are Virgos as well, the cops will often let you go.
A Virgo is simple to frighten out. Inform them that there is something stuck in their teeth. Then see them scrape furiously at the imagined object. For jerks like us, Virgos are a ton of fun. A Virgo’s idea of hell is spending all of eternity in an elevator with a nude Aquarius. This is so that Aquarians may carry beer to hell, which they then leave all over the place. However, Virgos must give God their brooms and squeegees.
When they learn that there is anything hiding beneath the refrigerator, Virgos similarly struggle to cope. However, it’s typically simply a downcast Taurus. The sad Taurus may be enticed out from beneath the refrigerator with a banana wine cooler, according to Virgos who have read enough Hints from Heloise.
Virgos don’t have a strict black-and-white perspective on the universe. They see it in both clean and unclean tones. The smell of cat fur makes Virgos gag. Because they will do your laundry for you, Virgos are cool. They’ll divide everything into fourteen loads of three items each, color- and fabric-separated. After that, they’ll load them into the washer in alphabetical order by manufacturer’s name.
Virgos frequently catch themselves opening and closing the refrigerator door in an effort to deceive the light within. Don’t put cheese in a Virgo’s refrigerator where it doesn’t belong. He or she will kick you in the ass like Jack Torrance. You’ll receive a cuticle pusher stab. In the early part of “The Shining,” Jack Torrence was most likely a Virgo. He then went completely Leo.
