Thinking of Spying on Your Partner? Think Again.
It really helps if you…
Pause before you spy.
Breathe whenever you feel the urge to check up on your partner, especially if this is a daily or regular occurrence. Even if you only pause for a few moments to sit quietly and breathe, you’ll give yourself a chance to make a wise move that will benefit you (and your relationship) in the short- and long-term.
Examine your true motives.
Be honest with yourself. Aside from the fact that your partner had an affair in the past, do you have a compelling reason (based on reliable facts) that there’s something suspicious going on now?
Look closely at your urge to spy and if it’s coming from a motivation to control, get revenge, from jealousy or is only because of the past, really consider the consequences of what you’re about to do. Are you willing to risk the connection you’re trying to rebuild?
Think deeply about why you think they are cheating.
Often, someone with trust issues from childhood and/or previous infidelity experiences will assume that everyone is cheating, but this is more about their own issues than anything the partner is doing. If this is the case for you, a therapist can help you work through these issues with trust and betrayal, and work on increasing your confidence within relationships.
Talk to your partner.
You can outright ask your partner for more transparency about their communication with certain people. Some partners will agree to have you look at their texts as they have nothing to hide. But other, more private, people will chafe at the control they feel you’re trying to exert over them, irrespective of whether they are being faithful.
Keep in mind that you can share your fears in a non-confrontational way with your partner, giving them the chance to respond to you and clarify their relationships and intentions with others.
Think of your relationship.
Finally, if all else fails, you can and should think about ending the relationship. That is much healthier than becoming obsessed with your partner’s behavior and sneaking around behind their back.
Make a conscious choice about what you will do next. It’s important for you to take action if you see that your partner is not keeping agreements or is lying to you. We do NOT recommend that you pretend the affair didn’t happen, but just make sure you are moving forward (and in the direction you want to go) mindfully.